I didn’t tell very many people for the first couple days. The first people I told, I told them it was minor heart problems. I believed that myself. They told me I had a heart attack, although minor. It took two days of them telling me, followed by the Dr. telling me the word “minor” only means I’m not in critical condition before it sunk in.
Every day they told me I needed to stay for one more night. They kept asking me why I didn’t have anyone coming? It was driving me crazy because it made me feel bad.
That night I had a long conversation with my x husband, who is a really close friend. I poured out my heart and soul and realized that I felt so much shame and had so much fear that I didn’t want anyone to know.
The lens you view yourself through can end up becoming how you perceive others see you!!!
I thought everyone would think I was pathetic because I wasn’t able to manage my stress. I felt like a hypocrite leading a group that promotes health for entrepreneurs when I nearly died trying to get there myself.
I was feeling undeserving being a mom because I had the heart attack when I was alone with my kids and never called for help. I almost started the what if… But then I remembered, and was reminded on the other end of the phone, that I was beating myself up as I had in the past,
I remembered to forgive and look at the positive of the situation. It started with my gratitude journal I have been keeping for the last 31 weeks.
I thought about how grateful I was to have a second chance to appreciate my life. For so long I have thought I had to be so strong for everyone. These last few days have really shown me how many people in my life have been willing to help!! I thought I wasn’t good enough if I couldn’t do it all.
As I poured my soul out on the phone and cried until I had no tears left, most of he shame I had felt slipped away into the night. I woke up the next day feeling grateful, inspired and happy!
I seen that I can keep going on my mission to promote entrepreneurs to be active, and now I know it more than just eating healthy and exercise. I can help more because I have personal experience.
I learned I have people around to reach out to so I don’t feel so alone. Other moms have reached out to me and I see that there are many many moms overworking themselves every day, and I’ll guarantee dads to. I think my dream of starting a community so we can all connect is closer to becoming a reality.
So what is next? I will be thinking about this question for a long time. I am thinking about a career change, as my job is rated one of the top most stressful, spending more time with my family and slowing down on my journey to become an entrepreneur.
Since writhing the last post, people have reached out and shared their stories with me. I love hearing them and thank you. Please keep sharing and thank you for sharing my story.
lots of love